Trudeau Introduces New Carbon Tax on Breathing
Progressive Carbon Respiration Tax (PCRT)
Ottawa, ON — In a bold new effort to combat climate change, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a Progressive Carbon Respiration Tax (PCRT)—better known as the “Breath Tax.” Under this groundbreaking policy, Canadians will now be taxed based on the volume of carbon dioxide they exhale, with incentives for those who learn to hold their breath longer or breathe at a reduced rate.
“Every breath we take contributes to global warming,” Trudeau explained in a press conference while demonstrating the proper way to breathe minimally. “It’s time Canadians did their part.”
How the Tax Works
The federal government will roll out mandatory breath-monitoring masks to track CO₂ emissions per individual. Canadians will be assigned one of three taxation tiers:
Low Emitters (Yoga Instructors, Deep-Sea Divers, Government Employees on Break) – Taxed at a reduced rate.
Moderate Emitters (Office Workers, Hockey Fans, Regular Complainers) – Standard taxation applies.
High Emitters (Children Playing, Gym Enthusiasts, Alberta Residents, People Who Sigh in Frustration at Government Policies) – Subject to a progressive breathing surcharge.
"This is just common sense," said Environment Minister Steven Guilbeault. "Canadians are already paying taxes on heating, gas, and food—why should breathing be exempt?"
Tax Credits & Rebates
To encourage compliance, the government will offer rebates for those willing to adjust their breathing habits:
30% tax credit for taking fewer than five breaths per minute.
50% rebate for individuals who hold their breath for over two minutes.
Full exemption for those who completely stop breathing (applicable only once).
A carbon-neutral breathing permit will also be available for purchase at a low price of $499 per year, with a discounted rate for frequent Liberal voters.
Enforcement & Penalties
To ensure compliance, the Canada Revenue Agency will deploy "Breath Auditors" equipped with portable CO₂ monitors. Citizens caught exhaling excessively may face fines, mandatory yoga classes, or be forced to offset their emissions by planting government-approved carbon-neutral houseplants.
Public Reaction
While environmental activists have hailed the initiative as a “historic step towards a sustainable future”, critics argue it’s simply another cash grab disguised as climate policy.
Pierre Poilievre, leader of the opposition, called the tax "unbelievable overreach." "Canadians are already suffocating under the weight of Liberal policies—now they want to charge us for it?"
Despite the backlash, Trudeau remains steadfast: “If even one less breath can help save the planet, isn’t that worth it?”
The Breath Tax is set to take effect on April 1st, 2025—pending approval from Canadians who haven’t passed out from reading about it.