Doug Ford Launches “Buck-a-Burger” Election Campaign, Says It’s the Only Policy Ontarians Actually Care About
Supporters Just Want Cheap Burgers
TORONTO — In a desperate bid to secure votes in the upcoming election, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has unveiled his latest affordability gimmick, the “Buck-a-Burger” plan, promising Ontarians dirt-cheap burgers if they re-elect him.
“Listen, folks, I know times are tough,” Ford said at a press conference held outside a Scarborough Harvey’s. “Gas prices are through the roof, rent is ridiculous, and good luck seeing a doctor before 2027. But what do people really want? A nice, juicy burger for a buck. That’s the kind of leadership I bring.”
The announcement was met with mixed reactions, with some voters wondering if Ford is simply rerunning his failed “Buck-a-Beer” strategy from 2018. “Wait, wasn’t this the same thing as the beer promise?” asked one skeptical reporter.
“Nah, completely different,” Ford replied. “This time, it’s burgers. Totally separate. Besides, the beer thing worked—some places are still offering beers for, like, $1.79. Close enough.”
The Details—Or Lack Thereof
Ford’s government has promised that participating restaurants and grocery stores will offer $1 burgers, though details remain vague. When asked how he planned to make this economically viable, Ford dodged the question.
“Look, I don’t get caught up in the fancy math, okay? The numbers guys will figure it out. We’re slashing red tape, making deals, and most importantly, bringing back common-sense burgers.”
Insiders say Ford’s economic team is considering a range of options, including:
Subsidizing fast food chains with taxpayer money, because corporate welfare is only bad when someone else does it.
Using smaller, Ontario-sourced ingredients like quarter-sized burger patties and ‘government-approved’ mystery meat.
Encouraging Ontarians to “just eat burgers at home” instead of relying on restaurants—missing the point entirely.
Critics Call It a “Distraction” While Supporters Just Want Cheap Burgers
Opposition leaders have blasted the Buck-a-Burger plan as a blatant distraction from Ford’s failures in housing, health care, and education.
“Doug Ford thinks he can bribe Ontarians with cheap fast food,” said new NDP leader Marit Stiles. “Which, to be fair, is probably a better election strategy than anything we’ve come up with.”
Meanwhile, Liberal leader Bonnie Crombie attempted to counter Ford’s appeal with her own affordability plan, promising free avocado toast to every millennial who still hasn’t bought a house.
Despite the criticism, some Ford supporters remain excited about the prospect of $1 burgers. “Look, I don’t care if he paves over the Greenbelt or privatizes hospitals—I just want a cheap burger,” said one voter in Etobicoke while standing in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru.
Will It Work?
Political analysts are unsure whether the Buck-a-Burger campaign will succeed, but many say it could be enough to win over key demographics, particularly students, late-night drunks, and anyone who makes major life decisions based on fast food pricing.
At press time, Ford was seen shaking hands with a Ronald McDonald statue outside a local franchise, promising to “fix affordability once and for all” if given four more years.